Why I suck, and why that is OK

So, as I said before, I only do this when I get bored, and I got bored while giving the C.A.T.S. test one day, so I wrote this. (Those from Kentucky already know that I basically had 3 hours of silence.) It only took me about a week to find time to type it . So here goes. This is why I suck.
I suck , because I have been given free will. Now I realize that the fact that I have free will is the only reason I can love god and love others, and it actually be meaningful. But, it also means that I have the power to screw up, and do it well, and do it often.
It makes God harder and harder to fathom each day. That is, that He knew from the beginning that it would be better to allow us to make mistakes rather than function as machines that always do what is expected. In order to let love into the world, He had to let evil in, as well, and thus give us the right to choose between them.
So why don't I? Why can't I choose between them? One minute I choose to love someone, and the next, to ignore them. First I choose good, then I decide that evil is much easier, or more convenient. Why can't I simply be bold and choose to follow one path? why do I allow myself to go back and forth so many times that I ge myself tied in more crazy knots than a 5 year old's shoe laces? James only hinted at our problem when he saidnthat out of our same mouths come both praises and cursing. In reality, they both come from our mind, and even more exist that we do not speak. In fact I am sure many are like me, and what is thought in their mind is often much worse than what actually proceeds out of their mouth.
How often is it better? How often do we have a nicer thought in our mind than what we say? For me it is almost never. I can't even think of a time unless I was intentionally trying to be harmful with my words. We are always so quick to let everyone know that we have something good to say, but we always hide our true feelings if they are bad.
Most of the time I know what the correct decision is if I will just think about it. So why do I do otherwise? Why do I argue with God when He has already given me the ability to know what is correct on my own? Why, even though He knows what is best for me, do I made it seem as if it is the wrong decision to choose the one He has set before me? And why do I not see the irony that arguing with Him is arguing against the very power that gave me the ability to argue at all? Why do I use this gift that God has so graciously given me against Him?
This makes grace all the more amazing. That a no good enemy of God like I am (at times) can still have the chance to have a personal relationship with Him. I am glad that my salvation is not up to me. If it were, I would have no chance. But while, indeed, my ability to talk and be with God is nto up to me, my ability to please Him is. That is where I need to work on my life, and stop taking His grace and forgiveness for granted. I need to give God at least a fraction of the pleasure He has already given me.